Enterprise Q
by Arania
Summary: Chapter 2: If You Were Gay. Trip tries to get Malcolm to admit he's gay. Sort of a songfic inspired by Avenue Q.
1. It Sucks to be Me

Enterprise Q  
  
Summary: Enterprise story with adapted songs from Avenue Q. It doesn't really follow the plot of Avenue Q; it just uses and rewrites some of the songs. This chapter is all of the bridge crew (minus T'Pol) singing about how much it sucks to be them. Disclaimer: Neither Avenue Q or Enterprise belong to me. Don't sue, this is just me being weird, not trying to infringe on copyrights. Rating: PG-13 for language.  
  
Chapter 1: It Sucks to be Me  
  
Trip was moping around the bridge, fiddling with a console when Hoshi walked on the bridge.  
  
"Good morning Trip!" She said sunnily.  
  
"Hi Hoshi." Trip mumbled sullenly.  
  
"Trip, what's wrong?" Hoshi asked sweetly.  
  
"Oh," Trip replied, "those new upgrades to the warp core I worked on for weeks didn't work. I can't figure out what went wrong. I just thought..."  
  
"Thought what?" prodded Hoshi after he didn't answer for a while.  
  
"Well..." said Trip, starting to sing  
  
Trip: When I was little I thought I would be, A great inventor Helping out humanity. But now my brain seems stuck And I cannot sleep! I don't have a chance To help people like my sister. It sucks to be me! It sucks to be me! It sucks to be grieving, uninventive and lonely! It sucks to be me!  
  
"Hah!" Hoshi said. "You think it sucks to be you?"  
  
Hoshi: I'm good with languages, And my hearing's really great. I work really hard To explore all kinds of space. But now I feel that I am getting replaced By a computer, That I helped invent Fuck! It sucks to be me! It sucks to be me! It sucks to be Hoshi Trip: And Trip Hoshi: To be losing a job Trip: To feel really gypped. Both: It sucks to be me.  
  
As they finished, Reed and Hayes walked in, bickering about security as usual. Trip decided they could solve their argument once and for all.  
  
"Hey Malcolm! Hayes!" He called, beckoning them over. "Can you answer a question for us?"  
  
"Sure, Commander, what do you want to know?" Hayes replied as they walked over.  
  
"Whose live sucks more, Hoshi's or mine?" Trip asked.  
  
"Ours." They replied together, and then glared at each other.  
  
Hayes: We work together. Reed: We've had to coordinate. Hayes: But we've been competing Reed: Ever since we met/ Hayes: So he thinks I'm stealing his job. Reed: It makes me upset!  
Everyday is an aggravation! Hayes: Come on, Reed! That's exaggeration! Reed: You're always training  
And going over my head! Hayes: You lock the armory,  
I really think you wish me dead! Reed: You make keeping security on this ship a hell! Hayes: So do you! That's why I'm in hell too! Both: It sucks to be me!  
It sucks to be me! All: Is there anybody here is doesn't suck to be?  
It sucks to be me!  
  
Just as they had finished Dr. Phlox walked on the bridge to see them all grinning.  
  
"Well, you all look very cheery," Phlox observed. "Why are you so happy?"  
  
"Oh," said Malcolm, "Because our lives suck."  
  
"You think your lives suck?" Asked Phlox, "You have no idea."  
  
Phlox: I came to Starfleet,  
For opportunity,  
I joined the Enterprise,  
To work for species harmony.  
But I left my threes wives  
And my children behind me,  
But I'm stuck with you guys.  
And I have no free space,  
You guys are whining,  
And always have problems,  
And that makes it very hard to work.  
It sucks to be me!  
It sucks to be me!  
I say it suckasuckasuckasuckasuckasuckasuckasuckasucks!  
It sucks to be me.  
  
Feeling rather shamed the rest of the crew looked around guiltily until a crewman came in carrying a message.  
  
"Excuse me," he said, "but I have a message for the Captain."  
  
"Okay," said Hoshi, "Let me get him for you." She walked over to the comm, hit a button and said "Hey captain archer, there's someone to see you."  
  
The Captain, who had been listening to the others came out and immediately launched into:  
  
Archer: I'm Captain Archer  
Of the Starship Enterprise.  
I'm out for revenge on Xindi,  
Who rained hell down from the skies.  
Now I'm all angry  
And the butt of jokes from countless Trekkies.  
But here I am, the captain, of the Enterprise.

All: It sucks to be you.  
It sucks to be you  
(You win!)

Archer: Try throwing people out of airlocks and giving speeches about stupid gazelles. It gets old.

All: It sucks to be you!  
  
At this point the Ensign was convinced the bridge crew was nuts and snuck away to let them wallow in their suckiness.

"Look! A planet!" cried out Hoshi.

"Great! A chance to introduce water polo to another culture!" Exclaimed Archer. "Prepare an away team!"

To Be continued....


	2. If You Were Gay

Enterprise Q  
  
Chapter 2: If You Were Gay  
  
Summary: I think this constitutes as being a songfic now that I haven't altered this song any. Trip decides to play matchmaker but first has to get Malcolm to admit he's gay. Molded around the song "If You Were Gay" from Avenue Q.  
  
Plug: Avenue Q is a really funny musical. You should definitely check it out if you have a chance.  
  
Rated: PG – No bad language or suggestive material in this particular chapter.  
  
Disclaimer: Avenue Q and Enterprise do not belong to me. I'm not making any money off of this, I'm just being weird.  
  
If You Were Gay  
  
Malcolm, having once again locked himself in the armory, was sitting modifying weapons. Most of the security crew was on an away mission to this planet that Malcolm had not gone on, because the MACOs would be going.  
  
"Ah, another perfect afternoon alone with my phase pistols. No annoying MACOs or engineers to bother me." He said aloud to himself. "Could my day get any better than this?" Malcolm wondered, jinxing it.  
  
For just at that moment the chief engineer, Trip, walked in, back from an away mission.  
  
"Hey, Malcolm!" Trip called out cheerily.  
  
"Hi, Trip." Malcolm muttered. "How'd you get in here?"  
  
"Oh well someone locked up the armory so I went and bypassed the doors so people could get in." Trip responded. "I mean, people have to get into the armory you know."  
  
"Oh really?" asked Malcolm, feigning innocence.  
  
"Well, Malcolm," Trip said, "you'll never believe what happened on the away mission today. Some alien guy was smiling at me and talking just to me, and I think he was coming on to me! I think he thought that I was gay."  
  
"Oh?" said Malcolm, pretending to sound bored. "So why are you telling me this? That's stupid. Did you use the phase pistols today?" He tried to change the subject.  
  
"Hey, you don't have to get defensive!" Trip replied. "I was just-"  
  
"I am NOT getting DEFENSIVE!" Malcolm interrupted. "Why should I care about that? I'm trying to calibrate these phase pistols!"  
  
"I just thought it should be something we'd be able to talk about." Trip said, "but okay, well just so you know..." Trip began to launch into his song.  
  
Trip: If you were gay  
That'd be okay  
  
I mean 'cause hey,  
I'd like you anyway.  
Because you see,  
  
If it were me,  
  
I would feel free  
  
To say that I was gay  
  
(But I'm not gay.)  
  
Malcolm tried to ignore him to no avail. "Trip! I am trying to fix these phase pistols! Can you please leave me alone!" But when Trip didn't leave he snapped, "What?!?!" and Trip began to sing again.  
  
Trip: If you were queer  
  
"Trip! Cut it out!" Malcolm yelled.  
  
Trip: I'd still be here,  
  
"I can't believe this!"  
  
Trip: Year after year  
  
"It won't be year after year when I shoot you!" Malcolm threateningly pointed a gun at him.  
  
Trip: Because you're dear  
  
To me,  
  
"Oh come on! Don't you have anything better to do!?" Malcolm threw up his hands.  
  
Trip: And I know that you  
  
"I'd what?"  
  
Trip: Would accept me too,  
  
"I would? I don't think so!"  
  
Trip: If I told you today,  
  
"Hey! Guess what,  
  
I'm Gay!"  
  
(But I'm not Gay.)  
  
"I don't think anyone thinks you're gay, Trip." Muttered Malcolm.  
  
Trip: I'm happy  
  
Just being with you.  
  
"Oh go make out with T'Pol if you're this bored!" Malcolm yelled.  
  
Trip: So what should it  
  
Matter to me  
  
What you do in bed  
  
With guys!  
  
"Trip! That's wrong!" Malcolm yelled.  
  
"No, it's not!" Trip yelled gleefully back.  
  
Trip: If you were gay  
  
I'd shout Hooray!  
  
"I am not listening!" Malcolm stuffed his fingers in his ears.  
  
Trip: And here I'd stay,  
  
"God save our noble queen..." Malcolm sang at the top of his lungs.  
  
Trip: But I wouldn't get  
  
In your way.  
  
"I will seriously shoot you!" Malcolm threatened with the phase pistol again.  
  
Trip: You can count on me  
  
To always be  
  
Beside you every day,  
  
To tell you it's okay,  
  
You were just born  
  
That way,  
  
And, as they say,  
  
It's in your DNA,  
  
You're gay!  
  
"I AM NOT GAY!" Malcolm wailed.  
  
"If you were gay." Trip added before running out of the armory as quickly as he could. Malcolm might just shoot him.  
  
"Argh!" Malcolm yelled and threw the phase pistol down on the table.  
  
A group of MACOs walked in and Malcolm quickly left the armory in case they overheard some of Trip's singing. After all he had to prep for security for a visiting alien group.  
  
Should this madness continue with the next chapter "The Enterprise is for Porn"? Please tell me! 


End file.
